Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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