I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
