Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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