the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
