No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
