I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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