Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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