you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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