Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
