The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
