Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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