ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
