The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We don't watch enough power rangers
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
