She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
