shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
