Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
