Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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