There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
