Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
