Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
