did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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