listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
two words...techno handjob
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
