dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
