Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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