You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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