dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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