wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
