oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
