dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
