I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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