ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
