I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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