So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
