yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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