Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
