I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
