she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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