You were right. It hurts to walk today.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
