I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
