this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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