I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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