I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
