My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
