I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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