I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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