You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You pole danced in your parka.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
