When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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