The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
