all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I want to fling myself into the sun
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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