Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
