Soap is not a condiment
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i drank out of a bidet.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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