I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
