i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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