so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
