Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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