You can't motorboat a personality
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
