They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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