You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
