Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
