i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
