you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
