dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize