i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
