I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
