can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
