I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
