Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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