Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
