remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
